This is satire. Please get vaccinated.

According to the folks I overheard in the frozen food section at Wal-Mart last week

Photo by Mika Baumeister on Unsplash

“If the vaccine works so good, why are people getting even sicker now? It’s like the vaccine is making all them people sick almost.”

According to the dude with a patchy sunburn and a sleeveless t-shirt featuring a blood-stained wolf holding an assault rifle and howling at an airbrushed moon…

NOSTALGIC WARM-FUZZIES ARE FOR WEAK MEN AND SUCKERS

Steve from Blues’ Clues isn’t the only one who wants to catch up

Photo by Patricia Prudente on Unsplash

Recently, Steve from the early 2000s kids’ classic Blue’s Clues posted a video to the Nick Jr. Twitter feed, telling all the now-20-something fans of yore how proud he was of them.

It’s hard to explain. You had to be there, I guess.

Here. Just watch it:

So sweet…

Management has some concerns…

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

TO: Nurmal “Buddy” Conaway

RE: Your Job Performance

Dear Nurmal:

It has come to management’s attention that your work performance has become sub-par since your last review, and I would like to address these issues in order to better maximize your full potential and ensure a successful future with the company.

The company understands that work conditions have…

It’s all in your head, babe.

Photo by Ludovic Migneault on Unsplash

Look, babe. I’m sorry that my firm inexplicably transferred me from the big city office to this small town full of secrets. I know you weren’t thrilled to move here, and I really appreciate all the sacrifices you’ve made for my career.

But, y’know, I thought you’d like this house…

SPOILER WARNING

Image courtesy of Universal Pictures

After 43 years, 121 on-screen kills, billions of dollars in merch sales, and one very unfortunate movie starring Busta Rhymes, Michael Myers has come back bigger and badder than ever in Halloween Kills.

And oh, what a glorious comeback it is.

I’ve been a die-hard fan of the Halloween franchise…

…and other questions for the construction crew in the middle of a country road on a Tuesday morning.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

I understand that routine road maintenance is necessary, even on the back country roads of this podunk little town of ours. I understand that we’ve had some pretty unusual weather around here lately. I don’t think it has anything to do with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s secret plot to destroy the American…

This ain’t your momma’s Halloween party

Here’s the thing. I don’t play around when it comes to Halloween.

I could write a long, nicely worded essay detailing my spooky origin story, but that’s not really why we’re here. Just know that in my real life, I am the go-to Queen of Halloween.

In my own mind…

Jessica Conaway

Mother, wife, storyteller. Lover of doughnuts, haunted things and sarcasm. Struggles daily with the Oxford comma.

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