CORPORATE NONSENSE

TO: Our valued employees in the — name redacted — Department Store family

FROM: Gerard G. McGonigal, CEO

SUBJ: Let’s get back to work!

Hello and thank you for remaining part of our family during these uncertain times!

I would like to start by recognizing Dicky McGonigal, Jenny Norris-McGonigal, Alice Ray Drinker McGonigal, Mark McGonigal, Jeff McGonigal, and the rest of the Executive Team who fearlessly lead us through the Covid-19 pandemic with aplomb. Not only did they manage to increase our earnings in both the second and third quarters, but they did it all while working from their home offices! As we all know, that was no easy task, especially when having to coordinate their childrens’ virtual school schedules with their nannies.

As…

I need to tell you about the best bologna sandwich I’ve ever had.

I realize that most people don’t have specific memories about bologna sandwiches…or even specific feelings about bologna sandwiches…but years later I can tell you every delicious detail about that sandwich. It was that good.

The year: 2013. The place: The Red Rock Corner Store in Red Rock, PA. The time: I dunno. Probably lunchtime. Time is a meaningless construct.

It was Sweet Lebanon Bologna on wheat bread, and at first glance, it looked like a normal, run-of-the-mill sandwich; bread, meat, condiments, lettuce. No big deal. Then I…

It will come as a shock to absolutely no one that I was a teenage Drama Queen.

To clarify, I was both an avid participant in my high school’s drama program, and I was prone to having big, overly dramatic reactions to minor inconveniences. This was typically accompanied by the slamming of doors and a whole lot of this:

POSTPARTUM THOUGHTS

The sun isn’t even awake yet, but she’s already a failure.

It’s the formula this time. She mixes the powder and water and realizes too late that she has grabbed a bottle from the dirty side of the sink. She has to start again. As she dumps it, she does the quick math in her head; 29.5 ounces in the can. The can was $34.99. 2 ounces in the bottle. How much money per ounce? It doesn’t matter. It’s liquid money oozing down the drain. Money that they hadn’t planned for and definitely didn’t have to spare.

It is, after…

I’m about to stop being polite and start getting real, y’all.

I’m fat.

(…omg stop no way no you’re not you’re just curvy you’re so pretty you’re not that fat you’re just big-boned…)

Look, I’m not chubby or chunky or thick or big-boned or curvy…I am a fat lady. I’ve been varying degrees of fat for most of my life, and while I can blame a very small part of that on a combination of lousy genetics, getting older and having a kid, the majority of my weight issues come from my borderline-obsessive love of doughnuts and poor eating habits…

Anecdote | Cats

The whole thing started because my husband likes to pee outside.

We’re not weirdos. We live on several acres of woods and don’t have neighbors. Yes, it’s peaceful. Yes, we’re very lucky. Yes, we have bears. (No, we’re not moving somewhere closer to civilization, Dad!) There’s a deck off of his office, and (if the mood strikes in the evening), my husband enjoys standing out there, taking in the sweet sounds of the evening forest…and peeing on it.

Don’t pretend like you wouldn’t do the exact same thing if given the opportunity.

It was during one of these evening respites…

AMERICAN SATIRE

My Dear Sir,

I hope this letter finds you well, and that I did not offend by assuming that you identify as “sir.” Perhaps your preferred title is Dude? Or Bro? Or DudeBro? Please know that I write this letter as a token of my utmost respect and admiration.

Saturday last I found myself in dire need of various sundries and middle-aged white lady necessities; matching patio cushions, scented candles, wooden Made-in-Taiwan signs displaying “Live Laugh Love” in a fancy font, etc. As I perused the Home section of my local Target store, silently yearning for times long past when…